Let’s say a request is made of us that would mean we will have to work late that night. Instead of finding a way to say what we may be feeling inside - “Actually no, I can’t do that with the other projects on my plate,” or asking, “Can I have more time to complete this task?” we stay silent. Then we feel stressed and a whole range of emotions rise up inside of us as we stay up late and meet the request. Sound familiar? I think we’ve all experienced something like this at some point.
Not listening to ourselves and not speaking up for our boundaries can create a lot of stress. So, it’s worth taking a look and learning how to tune in and identify what your boundaries are and how to communicate them. I appreciate it may not be possible to voice your boundary and ask for what you want/need in all situations, but there are likely several instances you haven’t been speaking up where you could.
Personally, I think identifying and speaking up for your boundaries is a skill you learn and can get better at over time. In the past, there was a time when I struggled with this. Requests were asked of me and it didn’t even register that I had an option to say ‘No’ or communicate my own perspective or needs. I was aware I was stressed by the ask, but didn’t know how to navigate communicating my needs and possibly finding more of a win-win situation.
It’s been a process to learn more about boundaries, what mine are and how to communicate them. Here I’ll share some of what I’ve learned and what I share with my clients as a career coach. Something to note; when I refer to work-home boundaries, I don’t literally mean your home. I simply mean boundaries that separate work from the rest of your life - personal relationships, hobbies/interests, family time, personal time etc.
Why we need to speak up for our work-home boundaries
Honoring our boundaries is how we create a life that feels good to us and is in alignment with how we each want to live. Identifying and establishing our work-home boundaries is how we preserve and support our mental and physical health, foster our relationships, reach our goals and fulfill our desires in areas outside of work.
Our culture would have us believe that our needs for rest, play and enjoyment, personal relationships etc. should come second to our work productivity. There is a popular notion that the harder we work, the more dedicated we are to our work, the better our life will be. This is the kind of thinking that has us second guessing, denying and staying silent on our boundaries. But when we live this way, denying our needs and placing work above all else, we suffer. Despite the messages we may be receiving from society, this isn’t actually supportive for us if we want to create a fulfilled and healthy life. When we’re tuned into ourselves and standing up for our boundaries around work and home we create the space for us to flourish in all areas of life. And this even includes career success - we thrive at work and are able to put our best foot forward when the rest of our life is in balance and nourishing us. Strong ideas, creativity and excellent work come from a nourished soul.
Boundaries are unique to you - so you have to communicate them to others
Your boundaries are your boundaries - they’re up to you. They come from what feels right for you, what you want and are ok with and what you don’t want and are not ok with. It’s going to be different for each person. So if you tend to compare your boundaries to others, you really don't need to. It's ok to feel the way you feel and need what you need.
But, because they are so unique to each of us, this means we need to be experts at communicating them! Others aren’t mind-readers and when they make a request of us often don’t even know if they are crossing a boundary for us or not. This is key to remember.
It seems we want others to somehow implicitly know where our boundaries are and respect them (and can get angry when they’re crossed), but also don’t want to do what’s required to communicate them and stand up for them. This isn't logical. But I understand why we think this way - speaking up for ourselves isn’t easy and we’d rather not have to. So when someone puts us in a position where we are forced to, we get stressed. Speaking up, while often worth it to get what you need, in the moment can feel just as stressful as not speaking up.
Why we struggle to set boundaries
Setting boundaries that involve expressing them to other people can be challenging. Often we are afraid to assert our boundaries as there are fears of causing conflict that could result in upsetting or disappointing/inconveniencing someone or being rejected, criticized, judged etc. We want to maintain peace and avoid conflict. But while there may be peace on the outside, keeping the peace is not peaceful to us on the inside. We end up having to suppress that little voice inside that’s saying, “This is not ok.” And over time this takes a toll on us.
Getting more awareness of your boundaries
Sometimes you are fully aware of what boundary for you is being crossed. Other times there’s less specific awareness, but awareness nonetheless. When a request is made or an expectation is set for you to do something and you feel a twinge inside - perhaps a pressure in your chest or some other stress response - that is your body communicating to you that you’re not fully on board with the ask. Your body often knows before your mind is consciously aware of what’s not ok and what the boundary is for you that’s being tested. It’s important to tune into yourself and listen when this happens.
Identify what you need. Reflect for a moment and ask yourself, do you need to say ‘No’ to the request? Or ask for some part of it to change? What do you need instead for you to feel better about it? What outcome would allow that stress response to relax?
Then, ask yourself if there is a way to communicate this need in a clear and calm way. In the moment you may be feeling the anger I referred to earlier, but the more you convey your ask in a calm, professional manner the better the chances of a positive response. Again, it may not be possible to voice your boundary/need in each and every situation, but pay attention to where you can. You’ve likely been missing a lot of potential opportunities.
Personally, I was shying away from asking for what I needed not because it was inappropriate to ask, but because of my own fears of “conflict” or “causing trouble” or my fear that others would judge me in some way. And there wasn’t much truth to these fears.
So, take a close look at where and why you have been shying away from speaking up for yourself. What do you fear will happen if you do? Examine the fear. Remember that many fears aren’t grounded in reality and there may be little to no evidence for what you fear actually happening. And the more practice you get in confronting the fear and discovering it’s safe to speak up, the more comfortable you’ll get doing it. Like I said, it’s a skill to develop.
Some signs you might need to start establishing more work-home boundaries
1. You feel like you don't have any space to breathe during the week
If you feel you have to wait until the weekend or your next day off to have any personal time and space to breathe and connect with yourself you might need to look at your boundaries. It doesn't have to be this way if you decide to make changes and claim some time for you. You may not feel like it and this may feel harsh to read, but you are in control of your life. It’s up to you to ask for or take what you need. And if meeting those needs is just not possible in this job, you have the option of moving to a different one. If you continue in this way longer term you may experience some of the other points on this list.
2. You struggle to maintain your relationships
Relationships require you to not only invest time to be with others, but also to be fully present for them. If you are working all the time and physically unavailable or mentally distracted by work when you are with others this will make building and sustaining relationships challenging.
3. You’re starting to burnout
Not honoring your boundaries can contribute to burnout. The obvious signs of burnout are feeling exhausted and losing enjoyment in your work. But burnout can also present in more subtle ways such as being more forgetful, moody/emotional, getting sick more often or engaging more in your particular go-to stress coping mechanisms which aren’t all that healthy (could be eating, alcohol, shopping, over-exercising etc....we all have something).
4. You feel resentful or angry a lot
Anger can actually be helpful in some instances. Anger can come up to tell us we have a boundary that’s being crossed. It’s telling us, ‘This is not ok.” Do a little self inquiry around what your anger might be telling you about a situation. And reflect on what you need to communicate or do to change it. You may then feel fear, but confronting your fears will be worth it to be able to be heard. If you want to feel heard you have to actually speak up.
5. You’re starting to develop health issues
Not having boundaries around work and consequently working or being distracted by work all the time is obviously stressful. It’s well known that stress takes a toll on your both your mental and physical health. You may find yourself developing anxiety or depression or your immune system is suppressed and you’re getting sick more often than usual. Constant stress puts our body in a state of continuous fight-or-flight which can cause a whole range of health issues. What I’ve also observed is when we are too afraid to speak up for boundaries often our body will end up doing it for us. We get sick and voilà we have an excuse, an out or way to express our need and have the boundary drawn. This works, but you don’t want to have to get sick all the time as a way to draw boundaries. Not fun.
6. You can’t turn your brain off of work
If in your “off-time” you’re still always thinking about work this can be a sign you need to set some boundaries. If you genuinely really enjoy thinking about work stuff and it’s not getting in the way of your relationships or other areas of life than it isn’t a necessarily problem. But, if you’re constantly thinking about work because you’re stressed out about it or anxious and worried then this isn’t serving you. You might want to look at how to shift your thoughts and energy off of work so your mind and body get a break and aren’t always “on.” It might mean asking for or putting less on your plate at work, setting expectations around when you are available out of work to check emails, or simply giving yourself the permission to take breaks and turn your focus away from your work.
