Do you ever feel like you’re one person at work, and another in the rest of your life? While it may be the case that you need to behave professionally and can’t be as casual or open at work as you might be in the rest of your life, I’m talking about when you feel like you almost have to pretend to be someone else or hide large parts of your personality. You’re filtering yourself or putting on a mask. This is exhausting, can be extremely stressful and over time simply not sustainable.
Ideally, when we’re at work we feel comfortable and that we can be mostly ourselves. While it may be that the job you’re in or company you work for is just not a good fit for you and you need to consider making a change to one that’s more in alignment with who you are, there are some aspects to the “I can’t be myself at work” feeling that can be driven by our own thinking. It might not be the job, it could just be how we’re thinking and approaching things. Here are four points to consider to see if this is the case for you and learn how you can make an internal shift to show up more as the real you.
1. To show up as you; you have to be willing to be rejected
Simply put: you will never be able to show up as the real you anywhere (at work or otherwise) if you’re not willing to risk rejection. If you’re afraid of rejection and putting on a mask at work as a protective mechanism, you have to be willing to take it off (at least a bit). We can put on a mask or send our representatives - not the real us - to work because then if you experience criticism, she/he is the one that gets criticized; it lessens the blow because it’s not the real you. But as long as we’re sending our representative to work or wearing a mask we will always feel like we can’t be ourselves. Willingness to be seen is required. I understand the fear of rejection and you may need to find some courage at first, but not only may it be worth it for your career as we tend to do our best work when we can be more ourselves, but much of our fears are unfounded. People will like most likely really like the real you.
2. Question your assumptions about who you’re supposed to be
Each company has a different culture, set of values, performance expectations etc. and we can be adept at assessing the situation for what we think is required of us to fit in and excel. We can try to figure out what other people want from us and try to be that; forming our representative mentioned above to be this ideal person. I know what it’s like; my need for approval and fear of rejection as discussed made me into a master chameleon. And once you start it's hard to change - you’ve trained people to expect you to be that way and you've often received external positive reinforcement for it. It’s a bit of a trap.
The problem is that in our assessment we might be making a lot of incorrect assumptions. How we think we’re supposed to be could largely be a story we’re telling ourselves, not reality. We've locked ourselves in a box without anyone forcing us in. There just might be a lot more space to show up as you - with your thoughts, opinions, needs, work style preferences etc. - than you think. Look closer and ask yourself, “Is it really true I have to be/do it this way? Is there some flexibility for me to try things differently?” For some things, the answer may be no, and for where the answer is yes it may feel scary at first to actually make the change, but it’s worth reflecting on and feeling out your options.
3. Speak up for what you need. You can’t get it if you don’t ask
If you reflect on where there might be some flexibility to make changes, some of those things you want to change may require discussion with your boss. Don't be afraid to speak up. Your employer is not a mind-reader. If there are things about the job or the way things are done that really feel at odds with you or less than ideal, there’s no way for them to know if you don’t raise the issue. Want to work from home on some days to focus and have fewer interruptions? Want to be able to work more with certain team members you click with over others? Want to have more visibility into your workload and not have so many surprise assignments? Talk about it. If you don’t your employer will just assume you don’t have an issue with it. Identify what would work best for you and see if you can have a conversation about it. Remember, what works for you to do your best work is in the interest of both you and your employer.
4. You don’t have to be like “everyone else” at work
Sometimes we can feel like we don’t belong and have to pretend to be different because of the culture of the company or if we just feel different from our colleagues. You might feel pressure to attend the post-work drink events that aren’t your thing or join in on other activities that aren’t really central to the work. And this is my point; if you are effective at your job that’s all that really matters. While in some contexts cultural fit may factor into your evaluation for promotion, in many cases if you’re doing excellent work and delivering results for the company, whether or not you participate in the extra stuff is really up to you. You don’t have to be like “everyone else.” Just do you. And just as you respect your colleagues for being the way they are, once you start showing up as you and making choices that feel right for you, hopefully, they will respect that too. Just like the first point, it comes down to having a willingness to be yourself.
