In a career coaching session, a client recently said to me, "This is way deeper than I thought it would be. In a good way." "Yes," I replied. "This is about your freedom."
When we think of career navigation we often think of skillsets, qualifications, strategy. We think it's all about rationality and logical thinking. But when we get right down to it, our career choices are really emotional choices. There is a logic on the surface, but deep down that logic is really driven by our emotions - fears, insecurities, etc.
For example, sure, there's a surface logic that says doing an MBA is a very smart decision, one you will gain from to advance your career. But deep down, what if there's a small inner voice going, “But, I don't really want to do any job that requires an MBA. I don't really want to be on this path.” What if your heart is really in other pursuits? Or maybe you don’t even know what else you would do, just that you don’t genuinely enjoy what’s in front of you. But all that gets pushed aside because the MBA seems like a smart thing to do. And everyone is so encouraging and impressed with your choice. It’s too scary to confront your truth.
You are marching along into the MBA based on your fear. Not very logical close-up, is it? There's a lot of not really listening to and being honest with ourselves and then later wondering what happened and why we're so unhappy.
What's actually the most rational and logical thing to do? To do a career that you enjoy, that's a good fit for who you are. That's how you'll thrive, have the best chance of succeeding as you show the world your genius, and how you'll get to enjoy your life. But many of us find ourselves very far from jobs that are in alignment with who we are. Those emotional aspects have hooked us and are driving the bus of our life. When we find ourselves in situations we don't like, the first thing to look at is why. What was the real thinking behind these life/career choices?
Here are 5 things you may find helpful as you reflect on this for yourself. Realizing these very logical truths will free yourself to do what you truly want. Often we can't even access what that might be until we have seen through our flawed thinking. Otherwise, there is a level of noise and confusion in our head so loud it's impossible to hear our own authentic inner voice.
If your reaction to this list is one of distrust, I understand. If someone had said these things to me 10 years ago I would have scoffed at them, thought believing them would just make me weak and take me off script from who I thought I needed to be. I was supposed to be a tough, no-nonsense high-achiever. And you don’t get to the top by being soft and giving yourself a pass (so I thought). But being that way broke me. I was miserable, my view of the world was so harsh and critical of myself and others, and my life was void of meaning and fulfillment. No humanity. Deep emptiness.
I only found my way after realizing the following points. They have become my truth and myself and my clients can attest that life can feel a whole lot better when you live life through this lens, which again, I argue is not a lens at all, but just what’s true. You can be the judge.
On with the list:
1. You are good enough just as you are
Your job or professional accomplishments does not have any bearing on your worth. Accolades and gold stars do not fulfill and will never make you feel how you hope they will. The only thing that will make you feel good enough is owning that you already are. I know the world doesn't feel like it reflects that back to you, but how do you want to live? And what’s really true to you? Do you believe anything can make one person more valuable as a human than another? I don’t.
Do not deny yourself by building a totally inauthentic life in the name of approval and earning love. Building your life from inauthenticity is building your life on precarious ground. It is a house of cards and it's going to fall. Actually, if you're lucky it will fall sooner than later and you'll get to learn this life lesson and experience a much happier existence. One where you get to be you. You're worthy of love without all the gold stars you've spent every waking moment of your life effortfully pursuing. It's not necessary. And you can have the rest of your life back to do what you truly want.
2. You are the source of love
If we’re going to walk away from living our life for approval and earning love, where are we going to get it from? Ourselves. Approve of yourself, love yourself. You are the source of love you are looking for. Otherwise, we’re beholden to others dictating our life and we’ll cave to their instruction. We’ll do a lot for love, including suffer.
Who are some people we are all tangled up with in earning approval and love? Our parents. We'd all perhaps like to think as grown adults that our parents have no influence over our life anymore, but if you look closely you may see otherwise. Perhaps you got into this line of work to please them or show them something, and now you're staying for fear of disappointing them, feeling unlovable or not stacking up to their expectations. It’s possible they will accept your new career direction, but either way, your freedom requires you to walk away from them in your mind. They may not genuinely care about who you are or what you want, but that’s not their job anymore, it’s yours. Move forward and walk tall in who you are with love for yourself.
3. Your inner struggles are not a problem. There is nowhere to get
There's an inner narrative that goes, "If only I overcame all my inner struggles I would be a grand success." Your anxiety, your fears, your lack of self-confidence etc. are billed as a problem in the way of success. Many self-help books are sold on this premise. It’s fuel to beat yourself up about where you are in life and pick up a story of being broken, defective, not as good as imaginary others who are inner-struggle and problem free, living some fabulous life. But where are you trying to get by “fixing” yourself? My bet is on proving yourself, on getting somewhere “successful” to prove your worth. Oh yeah, all that stuff again. You do not need to work on yourself so you can get “out there” and earn your worth with more accolades.
Yes, do your inner work, but this is not a race. In fact, there isn’t anywhere to get other than you getting to enjoy your life. And a big step toward that is you accepting yourself just as you are. Ironically, that often brings true healing and the changes you want to see inside, but those changes are just to serve you, not an arrival. So, take all the pressure off.
4. You are not alone, not different from anyone else
When we're unhappy in our career it's easy to look around and paint a false picture of everyone else being happy in theirs. You may think, “What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why does this job feel terrible to me? How can other people be ok with this?”
Some people may indeed be well suited to the work you're doing, some not. For the latter, remember how excellent you are at hiding what's really going on. Everyone else is too.
On one hand, we spend a lot of our lives trying to be extraordinary, different and special. And in many ways that have nothing to do with the metrics you're using to measure, you in fact are. But, on the other hand, know that in struggling, in feeling lost, in experiencing pain and confusion, you are entirely not special. You are completely ordinary. And personally I think this is a relief to realize.
So stop worrying about what other people are thinking or doing. Just focus on you. There's nothing wrong with you for not liking what you're doing and the only thing you need to do is honor that.
5. You’re allowed to rest. Rest is the way.
We do not need tough and merciless leaders forcing themselves to grind to the top in something they don’t like just to show they can and quell their fears of inadequacy. We need leaders who have come alive in their sweet-spot, who build from their truth and authentic gifts. We need compassionate, kind, heart-centered leaders that lead with their own humanity. That means you have to be in touch with yours. Even though it’s scary, even though it’s painful, even though it may change you in ways you’re not prepared and others may not understand your choices. That is the point. That’s how we create change in you and the world. And both will be all the better for it.
But how do you get from this perhaps almost burnt out, definitely exhausted state you’re in now, to there? You rest. You give yourself the time and space to stop the striving and nurture the only thing you have neglected in your life: you. You’ve spent your entire life with your head down on singular pursuit of something you’re now realizing you don’t even want and wasn’t even necessary to get the real fruit - worthiness, and after that was earned, rest. Give both to yourself now and you will truly flourish.
